Dating Doesn’t Hurt

Dating is not supposed to hurt. 

No one is worth crying over,

and the ones who are,

won’t make you cry.

Domestic Violence is against the law for a reason.

Txt 100x in an hour is not love, or devotion.  It’s obsession which is NOT love.  Do they get angry from out of nowhere?   Are you wondering why they’re angry in the 1st place?  Just know, any sentence which starts “if you love me…” is an order, not a plea for your love.  If you haven’t returned their txt within the last hour and you dread their next call - that’s not right.  It’s your gut telling you something’s wrong with this relationship. 

None of that is love.  It’s all warning signs – Red Flags. 

If you keep thinking “if only I hadn’t…” or “if only I could…” or “once we’re past this…” or “next time…” these are more Red Flags.  If you keep apologizing for your actions, even though you’re not sure what you did wrong, that’s a Red Flag.  If you’re no longer hanging with your own friends, or doing what you enjoy, instead hanging with their friends and doing what they want, all the time, yup, more Red Flags. 

Does your relationship run in a circle; we’re happy and everything is great - our friends all wish they had a relationship like ours.  Then, something changes – you’re not sure what, but you start worrying all the time about them getting angry again.  Finally, they blow up, and you’re not even sure why or what happened.  Then they apologize and you’re happy again, until you start worrying – and every time you go through this circle the fight gets bigger and scarier. 

It never gets better.  It only gets worse.  Even if they say they’re sorry.  Even if they buy you gifts, or flowers, or take you out on a special date.  Even if…it still only gets worse.

How can I tell if I'm in an abusive, domestic violence type of teen dating relationship?

·        Are you afraid of the person you're going out with?

·        Do they call you names; make you feel stupid, or tell you that you can't do anything right?

·        Do they say that no one else would ever go out with you?

·        Does the person you're involved with tell you where you can and can't go or who you can and can't talk to?

·        Do you feel cut off from your friends and family?

·        Do you feel if you say no to sexual activities that you will get in trouble? Do you feel pushed or forced into being sexual?

·        Does the person say it's your fault when they hurt you?

·        Does this person shove, grab, hit, pinch, scratch, hold you down or kick you?

·        Is the person you're seeing really nice sometimes and really mean at other time (almost like they have two personalities)?

·        Does this person make frequent promises to change? Do they pretend that they never hurt you? Or do they tell you that you are "making too big a deal" out of it?

If the answer to ANY of these questions is "yes," your partner is being abusive towards you. You may want to look at your relationship more closely and find out more about teen dating violence, and domestic violence.

If you are afraid to break off the relationship on your own, get trusted friends, family, teachers, coaches, adults involved – don’t suffer in silence – don’t suffer at all.

Please feel free to call me just to talk...714.743.5612...ask for Dr. Mickey or you can TXT.  And if you want to meet in person, my main office is centrally located in Orange County, CA by John Wayne Airport.  Please call or TXT - don't live this way, not even for 1 more day.

These statistics are not meant to shock or scare you – they’re just facts.  Just please don’t think your relationship is different or special.  Please don’t think things will improve on their own.  The following statistics show too many people already think that way, and pay a terrible price for believing too long.

Forty percent of teenage girls age 14 to 17 report knowing someone their age who has been hit or beaten by a boyfriend (Children Now/Kaiser Permanente poll, December, 1995).  That’s 40 girls out of every 100 – how many girls attend your school?
Women 19-29 report the highest rates of intimate violence (Bureau of Justice Statistics Special Report: Violence Against Women: Estimates from the Redesigned Survey, 1995). 
32 percent of women that are injured by an intimate are victimized again within a six month period (Bureau of Justice Statistics, 1986).  When he says he’s sorry that does not guarantee that he’ll never do it again.
"Approximately one-third of the men counseled (for battering) are professional men who are well respected in their jobs & their communities. These have included doctors, psychologists, lawyers, ministers, and business executives. (For Shelter and Beyond, Massachusetts Coalition of Battered Women Service Groups, Boston, MA 1990).”  Anyone is capable of hitting/hurting, no matter how good looking they are, or how much money their family has, or how nice their car or clothing is.

AND, if you are an adult questioning if you are in an abusive marriage/relationship, please check out my couples/families website: Counseling For Couples, Families and Children.

I Got Flowers Today

written and copy righted by Paulette Kelly in 1992.

I got flowers today.
It wasn't my birthday or any other special day.
We had our first argument last night,
And he said a lot of cruel things that really hurt me.
I know he is sorry and didn't mean the things he said.
Because he sent me flowers today.

I got flowers today.
It wasn't our anniversary any other special day.
Last night, he threw me into a wall and started to choke me.
It seemed like a nightmare.
I couldn't believe it was real.
I woke up this morning sore and bruised all over.
I know he must be sorry.
Because he sent me flowers today.

I got flowers today,
and it wasn't Mother's Day or any other special day.
Last night, he beat me up again.
And it was much worse than all the other times.
If I leave him, what will I do?
How will I take care of my kids?
What about money?
I'm afraid of him and scared to leave.
But I know he must be sorry.
Because he sent me flowers today.

I got flowers today.
Today was a very special day.
It was the day of my funeral.
Last night, he finally killed me.
He beat me to death.
If only I had gathered enough courage and strength to leave him,
I would not have gotten flowers...today. 

If you are afraid to break off the relationship on your own, get trusted adults involved – don’t suffer in silence – don’t suffer at all.